Why I’ve Changed My Mind on Accountability
Thoughts on coaching, change, and the power of connection
According to Adam Grant, author of the most influential book I’ve read in the last decade, Think Again, people who are the most creative are the ones who come up with the most ideas. Some of these ideas stick, while others are basically useless or nonsensical. My mind stirs up plenty of ideas for things to write about, but unfortunately not many actually make it to press (read: my blog which probably has about a dozen hits total from immediate friends and family).
One such idea was that paying someone simply for accountability was a giant waste of money. At the time, I would not have argued against hiring a coach, but was vehemently against the idea of making that investment simply because it would make you take action. I believed that what really needed to happen was an improvement in one’s accountability to oneself, which would be rooted in self-respect of boundaries and would make a coach obsolete. I think what was really happening was my own fear of being held responsible for someone else’s success was very activating for me, and I denied the whole process as a result. Since then, I’ve changed my tune. Here’s why:
Two things can be true: it’s not my job as the coach to take action and I am an important catalyst for change. I see myself as more of a tour guide and my client is the one “driving the bus”. I am holding the map, I can help you see what roads are blocked, and I certainly offer up a mirror to reflect things that you might be missing. I’m not the one applying the gas pedal but I can be there when you’re afraid of missing the turn.
I now believe that the coaching (or therapeutic) relationship is the bedrock for success. Having another human to witness, validate, and just be with in the process of change, I’ve learned, cannot be overstated in its importance. Sure, once the relationship ends (as many good relationships do), your life should not fall to shambles. However, I no longer fear the power of being in relationship with a client because that relationship has proven time and time again to be the difference maker (Flückiger 2018).
“I no longer fear the power of being in relationship with a client because that relationship has proven time and time again to be the difference maker ”
I use the term therapeutic relationship interchangeably with coaching relationship because I do genuinely believe that while I am not conducting therapy, working with a dietitian can be therapeutic. In many ways, I am told, it can be quite healing even if the intent is not overly to heal wounds. While I don’t directly work with trauma, its effects show up in my visits with clients- medical trauma from being ignored by doctors, memories of being bullied for weight- all impact one’s ability to nourish their body, soundly in my scope of practice. My job here is not to dissect but to listen and reflect how this impacts their beliefs and behaviors around food, as well as to direct some conversations towards their therapist as needed. I also rely on many counseling techniques used by therapists and hold unconditional positive regard, a core component of person-centered therapy, firmly as a non-negotiable in my work.
I’ve also come to appreciate my role in creating an environment where change is possible. Many of my clients report feeling stuck and may even say they know what to do, but can’t seem to do it. Providing a comfortable space where resistance to change is welcomed and even encouraged actually allows clients to understand why they keep doing the thing they know isn’t working- because acceptance is a necessary requirement and counterpart of change. I’ve also seen many aspects of nutrition and self-care be neglected due to avoidance, a very smart way that some folks respond to painful experiences of shame, disappointment, and fear. Openly navigating that fear and anxiety as well as allowing that shame to dissipate in an environment of safety allows clients to “face the music” so to speak. This might look like practicing acceptance and non-judgmental stance in sessions, or practicing self-compassion skills. Regardless of the nuts and bolts of sessions, what is most important is an underlying emphasis on safety, choice, and self-determination. Activated nervous systems, focused solely on survival and threat detection, need to be able to return to a place of safety (and connection) to be able to explore options and experiment their way out of stuckness. Over time, I hope that clients will have many outlets for safe connection in their community, but this relationship becomes a place where clients are able to voice their opinions, negotiate, and have their requests heard. I’ve found that building strength to do so in our relationship often translates to their real life relationships as well.
“Providing a comfortable space where resistance to change is welcomed and even encouraged actually allows clients to understand why they keep doing the thing they know isn’t working- because acceptance is a necessary requirement and counterpart of change”
Further, I’m a firm believer in the power of action to help rewire our brains. If having accountability in a coach is what gets you there and helps make action easier, why wouldn’t I support that? Hiring someone for the sake of accountability also means making a financial investment in many cases, but time and attention are other forms of investment. Putting your time, money, or attention into something is a way of having “skin in the game” and can lead to a greater willingness to keep up with a new habit. There truly is no best way or superiority in how you get there, and I realized my high-ground approach eschewing accountability was not serving me or my clients. I’ve since ditched that mindset and now thoughtfully welcome my role in clients’ lives and their healing.
Reference:
Flückiger, C., Del Re, A. C., Wampold, B. E., & Horvath, A. O. (2018). The alliance in adult psychotherapy: A meta-analytic synthesis. Psychotherapy, 55(4), 316–340. https://doi.org/10.1037/pst0000172
